self-dating in la is so expensive.
granted i came to urth cafe but still had no idea how much i could spend on myself! 30 whole dollars. I better be worth it. I better put out.
I’m at a bar now with a coke in hand, full of a pesto mushroom sandwich, trying to figure out if I’m even having fun.
the dodgers are up 3.
I’m overhearing conversations. Bumbling nothingness is hilarious:
“Where is the game at?”
“What do you mean ‘where’s the game at?’”
“I mean, what inning?”
“oh.”
top of the 9th. The dance floor is empty. I have a feeling it’s going to be packed when Dodgers win and everyone gets out.
Smoking patio is totally empty too. Time to put up one of my “y3arb00k” stickers.
Dropped $7 on a photo booth that takes 4 minutes to develop. Let’s hope it’s worth it.
I remember trailing behind him, hand in hand. Under this guise of love, drunk out of my mind but happy and free. Now i sit in this corner alone, healing in the weirdest way possible.
9:40PM people are dancing to Kanye on the floor and the shrooms might have hit me already. I don’t know yet though. I know I definitely feel weird. Girls in succession. Guys hovering the pool table. Rihanna’s playing. It must be so nice. Sometimes I wish I had these people’s lives, most days I’m content with my own.
I always feel like life is out of reach and I’m looking around for it. I know I’m in it, technically. But I never stop feeling a little outside of it.
9:59PM Met an actor from American Horror Story.
He’s ordering a drink.
I look at him and he looks at me.
“American Horror Story?”
“Yeah.”
I raise my redbull to his pilsner.
We clink.
“Have a goodnight, man”
“Good eye.”
“I’m pretty good with faces.”
or maybe he said good night. Oh I think the shrooms hit. Or is it just weed?
(side tangent: i really thought he’d be taller. people always say that about famous people but it’s so true we don’t know the height of these people, we see mainly like their torsos and up.)
I honestly wish more people felt as free as they are on alcohol. But some people’s worst does come out. I’ve seen it. I’ve been it.
Watching all the couples tonight made me realize that women really revolve their lives around their relationships and men are preoccupied. Distant. I think I need to start living like a man I think. But how unfulfilling is that? Always chasing a new high instead of settling and finding what I need.
The walk back is quiet. As I walk back it’s eerie and lonely but I feel better. I know I have myself and I’m ready to live right here. In this moment. I know people always say that but thinking that and adopting it is different. It’s time for me to really grow up.
i felt the heart beat of this city and the ghost of love. That’s the real power of this night.